Before we get started, I'm sure there are many Stu Viewers out there asking why there are only eight choices here instead of the more list-friendly number of ten? Well, there are a couple of reasons actually:
1. Eight rhymes with Great and it scans nicely as a title
2. As pirates dealt in pieces of eight and this list is, after all, all about pirates, I thought it would fit just right. So there.
This compilation isn't in any particular order this time but it features the greatest, most dashing, conniving, blustering, hard-drinking, dastardly seafaring scoundrels who ever buckled their swash - and that's just the actors who played them!
Each pirate is given a 'Piece of Eight' rating in various categories - Reputation, Cunning, Panache, Sword Play, Ruthlessness and Damson Bait (how they fared with the ladies!)
Johnny Depp
Pirates of the Caribbean Quadrilogy
Pieces of Eight Rating
Reputation: 7
Cunning: 8
Panache: 8
Sword Play: 7
Ruthlessness: 5
Damson Bait: 8
If this was an ordered list, then Captain Jack Sparrow would undoubtedly be in the top spot. He is the most famous big screen pirate of them all and played by a damn fine actor too. Jack has all the roguish elements necessary if you want to succeed in the piracy game but, unlike many of his peers, he has a soft side - a trait that he denies he possesses of course. Despite sometimes preferring to run rather than fight, Jack is a dab hand with a cutlass and a pretty good shot too (no, that's not a typo - it's meant to say shot).
The one quality that gives Jack the advantage over his enemies is his unerring ability to lay on the charm and talk his way out of most situations. Savvy?
Geoffrey Rush
Pirates of the Caribbean Quadrilogy
Pieces of Eight Rating
Reputation: 7
Cunning: 7
Panache: 7
Sword Play: 8
Ruthlessness: 6
Damson Bait: 5
One of the most respected pirate captains in the whole of the Caribbean, Barbossa is, in turn, both foe and ally of Jack Sparrow. However, whichever side he appears to be on, his allegiance ultimately is to himself. After stealing cursed Aztec gold, Barbossa and his crew became pirates of the undead - only showing their true skeletal form in the glow of the moonlight. On the bright side however, it did mean Barbossa could perform a pretty nifty trick drinking rum while in skeleton mode, which would go down well at any stag night.
Despite having the complexion of a cheese grater, Barbossa is a pretty natty dresser for a pirate, which counts for his high panache rating. Plus, he's got a monkey...and you can't beat that.
Christopher Lee
Devil-Ship Pirates
Pieces of Eight Rating
Reputation: 5
Cunning: 7
Panache: 7
Sword Play: 7
Ruthlessness: 8
Damson Bait: 6
As Captain Robeles is featured in more detail in the post Top 10 Christopher Lee Performances (access it from the archive on the right), we won't dwell on him too much here. Suffice to say, Robeles is one of the most ruthless and uncompromising pirates in film history. In other words, he's a bit of a bastard.
Burt Lancaster
The Crimson Pirate
Pieces of Eight Rating
Reputation: 5
Cunning: 5
Panache: 7
Swordplay: 7
Ruthlessness: 4
Damson Bait: 7
The dashing Captain Vallo leads a band of men loyal to him (except one sneaky git), is a fine swordsman and a bit of an acrobat. He might also be a bit of an undiscovered genius. Long before electricity was discovered and used to its full potential, Vallo somehow must have had both a working hair dryer on board ship and an electric toothbrush. Its the only explanation for his perfectly coiffured quiff and teeth so bright they could light a snooker table at The Crucible. The cleanest, most hygienic pirate in movie history.
Bill Nighy
POTC: Dead Man's Chest & At World's End
Pieces of Eight Rating
Reputation: 8
Cunning: 7
Panache: 5
Swordplay: 7
Ruthlessness: 8
Damson Bait: 2
Davy Jones was tasked by the goddess Calypso to ferry all dead sailors to the other side and ensure their safe passage. However, he was corrupted by the love of a woman (aren't they all?) and took the drastic measure of literally cutting out his broken heart and placing it in a chest. Hmmm, couldn't he have just gone out on the pull instead? Forgetting about his true purpose, Jones soon transformed into the many tentacled thing you see here. The fearsome Davy Jones is not a man, or indeed squid, to be trifled with but that doesn't stop Jack Sparrow delighting in calling him "fish face" and "slimy git". All those tentacles mean Jones is a rather nifty organ player too.
Robert Newton
Treasure Island
Pieces of Eight Rating
Reputation: 7
Cunning: 7
Panache: 5
Swordplay: 5
Ruthlessness: 6
Damson Bait: 3
As his picture shows, Long John Silver must be pretty damn annoyed right now. Until a certain Mr Sparrow came along, Mr Silver was probably the most famous pirate of them all. However, he can still be proud of the fact that he set the trend for all others of his kind to follow. He made wearing a wooden stump the 'in-thing' (unless you still have two legs of course), popularised the word 'arrrrrrr' and can still roll his eyes with the best of them. His biggest contribution to pirate legacy though is having a parrot perch on his shoulder. Even though he's not the most dashing or handsome pirate, he can always say he has a bird on his arm every night.
Ian McShane
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Pieces of Eight Rating
Reputation: 8
Cunning: 7
Panache: 6
Swordplay: 7
Ruthlessness: 8
Damson Bait: 6
Blackbeard has the most fearsome reputation amongst all who ever set sail on the seven seas. He is the Pirate That All Other Pirates Fear - to put it more simply, he is one mean dude. Anyone who sets fire to objects dangling in their beard is a person to be given a very wide berth. Blackbeard likes to play up to his image at every opportunity, putting the fear of God into all that cross his path. Maybe it's all down to a bit of insecurity on his part? After all his real name is Edward Teach and 'Eddie' just doesn't cut it as a pirate name does it? Bless him.
Errol Flynn
Captain Blood
Pieces of Eight Rating
Reputation: 6
Cunning: 5
Panache: 7
Swordplay: 7
Ruthlessness: 4
Damson Bait: 8
If there was an award for best pirate name then Captain Blood has to be the winner. It conjures up images of a ferocious, unstoppable mad-dog bastard type who lives in fear of no man. On further investigation, this image is tarnished somewhat when you find out his first name is a somewhat less than scary Peter and that he is in fact a humble doctor who has been forced into a life of piracy. Mind you, Pete does score highly in the 'Damson Bait' stakes. After all, he is played by Errol Flynn!
Well, there you have it land-lubbers - the eight greatest pirates of all-time. Join me again soon for another voyage through the movie world.
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